Saturday, August 2, 2008

I'm tired of being constantly angry

So, PST (pre-service training) really, really sucks these days. I am not exaggerating when I say that, right now, I really hate PST. We are so overloaded with stuff to do right now, and it's driving me crazy. We have language lessons every day but Sunday, we have been planning our community project and doing a stupid amount of translation for it (we really overextended ourselves in what we decided to do; I am now regretting that we picked an ambitious project), and creating lesson plans and translating them into Armenian. Plus, we have had a couple central days and tech days each week, giving us even less time to get done what we need to. In addition to all of this, I've had unhappy news coming from home (though I won't detail it on this blog), adding to my general stress. This is absolutely one of the most stressful times I've ever been in.

Because of all of this, I just constantly feel angry. I wake up every day and dread the day to come, knowing how much we have to do. As the day progresses I just get angrier and angrier, wanting to lash out at people for the simplest annoyances. Then, when I'm at home and take a short break I get frustrated by the fact that half the time I still can't understand what people are saying when they're talking to me. Every single day for about a week now I've just wanted to punch someone, or yell at them, or just scream at the top of my lungs. I go to bed at night and toss and turn for an hour and a half because I can't stop thinking about all the shit I still have to do, and I don't really want to sleep because I know I have to get up the next day and start all over again. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Things should get better after the next three days, since we're finishing our community project tomorrow, and our lesson plans will be finished as of Tuesday. I just need to hold out and hopefully I'll begin having a bit of free time again, and feeling better.


Michele (Razzy) said...

When you get to the point where you have free time again, I'm sorry to suggest this, but concentrate MORE on learning the language. More than in your courses and with whoever will help you practice. The better and faster you learn the language, the lower your frustration level will be. I'm sorry to hear there's been stressful news coming from home. Hope things turn out OK on both fronts. If you need to talk, PM me on RvB.

Sace said...

It's like you said - it'll change.

Things will come around because that's what they do, and you won't be dreading the days so much anymore. And you'll get less and less and less angry over time until you look back and remember "That totally sucked" but don't remember just how much you hated it at the time.

Hang in there. You're doin it.

Trevor said...

Best advice anyone ever gave me, this too shall pass. Things may suck right now, but you've got within you what you need to get through this present challenge. You knew things were going to get tough when you signed up for this, and well, this is the tough part.

Keep it up, this is the awesome adventure part of your life you'll be talking about in the nursing home.

tdmiracle said...

Well Jhon lol Your not on vacation Iv always heard anything worth having is worth working for My dad put me to work share croping tobacco fields when I was 9 I got my first tax paying job when I was 13 Now I own my own home and am retired at the age of 45 What you have to decide is... is the effort worth the pay off...If it is then stay with it If it isnt then quit and go home Please dont be mad Im just trying to be honest and to the point Sometimes i come off alittle harsh I hope your family is ok If theres anything I can do to help let me know you have my email address Tim in Tn.

Mex said...

As soon as you have some free time, make sure you do whatever you can to unwind! Go hiking! What you're doing over there is important, but you do yourself and the people over there a great disservice if you don't give yourself a chance to relax and unwind.

Anonymous said...

I can understand how rough this may be. It's just for a short time. If you need to scream... do. Let the emotions out in a healthy way. Once this phase passes you'll be so much happier.

Language takes a long time to grasp. Then you'll have an 'ah-ha' moment and be thankful for the time you put in.

Sedative said...

Well, at least you know the source of your frustrations.

Being a polyglot myself, I understand that sense of helplessness when you are around people you don't understand. Add that to being in a foreign country being saddled with the job of helping people you don't know... meh. If that was me, I'd be so stressed out, I'd swim the Mediterranean and whatever oceans may lie between me and home. LOL

Just remember the bigger picture. Why you are there.

And as joggerva in RJ said, find a secluded ridge in a mountain and scream it out. LOL

Pavan said...

Not to be all new-age hippie bullshit on you but have you tried meditating?

It's nothing fancy. Just sit down on the floor in a quiet room and concentrate on your breathing. Your mind will wander, you just let it wander and eventually all the negative emotions play themselves out in your head.

Anonymous said...

Well, it's like that Army recruiting commercial. "When they ask you in a job interview if you've had leadership experience, try not to smile."